Comments on: Near Naioth at Ramah http://worthnoting.org/?p=467 Sat, 22 May 2010 10:17:26 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Drew http://worthnoting.org/?p=467&cpage=1#comment-248 Drew Tue, 08 Dec 2009 06:48:07 +0000 http://worthnoting.org/?p=467#comment-248 S1L1,2,3: pure genius, and keeps getting better as you keep reading. S1L4,5: I'm a little skeptical about the way the repetition in "themselves"/"itself" is done. S2L2: rough- great word! S2,3: "my whole body is being sung"- i love this unconventional use of the verb and object, and what it entails. These stanzas resonate with me, as one who has often worshiped God despite feeling unworthy and hypocritical. S4L1,2: the way the quantity disagreement is executed between "cistern" and "vessels" seems weak to me. i think it could be done better while still keeping the disagreement. S4L4: hardened honey is simultaneously delicious and gross. also, i like the word choice and alliteration. S5: This stanza almost feels like it's falling into iambic triameter for three lines, but the last line jerks that rhythm to a halt. I would have preferred a smoother ending... maybe by re-ordering the lines, reworking the last line, or something else? It could be that this is the effect you're going for, in which case go for it. I guess rough endings might stick better in the mind. These are four profound questions/statements. S1L1,2,3: pure genius, and keeps getting better as you keep reading.
S1L4,5: I’m a little skeptical about the way the repetition in “themselves”/”itself” is done.

S2L2: rough- great word!

S2,3: “my whole body is being sung”- i love this unconventional use of the verb and object, and what it entails. These stanzas resonate with me, as one who has often worshiped God despite feeling unworthy and hypocritical.

S4L1,2: the way the quantity disagreement is executed between “cistern” and “vessels” seems weak to me. i think it could be done better while still keeping the disagreement.

S4L4: hardened honey is simultaneously delicious and gross. also, i like the word choice and alliteration.

S5: This stanza almost feels like it’s falling into iambic triameter for three lines, but the last line jerks that rhythm to a halt. I would have preferred a smoother ending… maybe by re-ordering the lines, reworking the last line, or something else? It could be that this is the effect you’re going for, in which case go for it. I guess rough endings might stick better in the mind. These are four profound questions/statements.

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